…Turn conflict into progress

I think I’m in the minority; I love conflict. Not the barbed comments and knife-twisting kind, but good, healthy, unfiltered debate that gets to the nub of an issue. I also love helping others learn to fight right – coaching people to move past conflict avoidance, or mediating between teams when tension gets stuck.

It hasn’t always been that way. Like most of us, I was never taught how to handle conflict well. But over the years, through immersing myself in mediation work and the psychology of relationships and communication, I’ve learned how to make tension useful. And it’s addictive.

The more you understand the dynamics underneath conflict, the less threatening it feels – and the more productive it becomes.

CADENCE CURATION

Read: How to Fix the Co-Founder Fights You’re Sick of Having – Lessons from Esther Perel

Esther Perel brings her deep understanding of relationships and repair from the therapy room into the boardroom. Her insight? Most workplace fights aren’t about what they seem to be – they’re about the covert issues underneath: power and control, care and closeness, respect and recognition.

For leaders and founders, this is a masterclass in relational awareness. Perel’s language of “rupture and repair” reframes conflict as a sign that the relationship matters – that there’s something at stake worth working through. Her invitation is to get curious, not furious: look beneath the argument for what’s really being protected or feared.

CADENCE TOOLKIT

Tool: The ‘Over the Net’ Technique
Think of every tough conversation as a tennis match with an invisible net between you and the other person. On your side are the things you know: your intentions, your observations, the impact on you. On thei side are the things you don’t: their intentions and their experience.

The shared reality – where the ball lands – is what actually happened.

When you start assuming what’s on their side of the net – “You wanted me to miss that point” or “You’re trying to throw me off my game” (to stretch the analogy) – you’re over the net.

To stay on your side:

• Name the behaviour – what did you see or hear?
• Describe the impact – how did it affect you or the work?
• Stay curious – ask what their intention or situation was.

Staying on your side of the net keeps the focus on facts and curiosity – the foundation of productive conflict.

ANY OTHER BUSINESS

None of us are mind readers. Curiosity works better.